Well, I think a couple of weeks back when I mentioned the post, “Marriages are not made in Heaven”. I received a number of different responses. For one, I was told, women should try to be stronger, more independent when such situation arises, and ofcourse there were those who gave ideas on how and why marriages fail.
And then, recently I received a comment on this same post that got me thinking. “The real fact” mentioned how he/she had little sympathy for women who got themselves cheated on in the first place. Because, I infer, he/she feels women sometimes marry men based on superficial reasons like good looks, race and what not.
And that made me really stop and ponder for a moment. I did leave a reply for it. But it made me think. Who would I blame in this situation. In the first place I wouldn’t want anyone to be blamed. Your marriage is in shambles and it would be silly to pinpoint a person and blame them for it.
Being an outsider, it was easy for me to blame everyone associated with the scenerio. Which is what I did in my reply. The man, the new wife and the ex-wife, all of them are to be blamed. With that case, I guess, yes The real fact was right. Maybe the ex-wife did look for superficial qualities in men.
As I reflected with my reply, I realised I didn’t really enjoy blaming a party in that particular case. Its done, they dealt with it and they are moving on.
BUT it gave me an idea on a new post. Do women really marry men based on superficial reasonings?
Like in my reply, I don’t think its necessarily bad for someone to look for a person who is decent looking. And if the person has a good personality as well, its perfect. And I believe it applies to both genders. I have seen many men who look for superficial qualities in women too. But the word decent here is subjective, what is decent to me could be extremely attractive to someone or an average joe to someone else. Not that there is anything wrong in being in either too handsome or gorgeous or being an average joe.
If you look into our history, when matchmaking was prevalent, women were blindly married off to men who may/may not look good. They didn’t really marry out of love, or attraction but they did so out of filial piety. And it was rather silly during those times, because it seemed to me that women were married to men who were financially suitable for each other. Its silly because, finance isn’t a matter taken seriously nowadays. I wouldn’t be suprised though if the dowry system is still being practiced in certain countries.
But ofcourse, even back then, Love Marriages did occur. But not just as often as arranged marriages.
So based on the past, I would say Women could marry any man. I don’t really think they married because a guy was handsome or if he was of a superior race or even money. Because often its difficult for parents of a daughter to afford a rich son-in-law. But these are generalisations here, not the absolute truth. They married because their family asked them to. Afterall it was seen as a duty for a lady to be married at a certain age and start carrying on the newly adopted family name.
But at the same time, Men in the past, based on history and what not have had a long history of promiscuity.In some religions, polygamy is accepted. Man can have more than one wife. Well….Elizabeth Taylor has had far too many husbands and has divorce far too many times too. So, maybe there were women too who had more than one husband. But you rarely hear about them. So really if someone said, men were scum, I wouldn’t be suprised. But here is someone saying many women look for superficial characteristics.
It is with globalisation and growing feministic values and ideas that came the idea of women choosing husbands, women looking for their ideal partner.
There was a time, men chose their brides. It was not long ago, maybe 20-30 yrs ago when women, especially in Asia which I base most of my theories and ideas on had to attend matchmaking sessions. And I dare say, some still do. And often they don’t really have a say. What happens is a string of guys, meet girls. And the guys usually have the upper hand. They can complain or decline a girl. And usually the girl’s family will keep trying and look for someone else. Until a match occurs. Sometimes these families look at astrology, the stars must align.
But the world is evolving isn’t it? Love marriages is far more common now than arranged marriage. In fact, arranged marriages rarely occur. And maybe with this ideology comes the issue of choosing partners with qualities.
What is wrong in women or men for that matter looking for wifes or husbands that look good, maybe earn well and is healthy. Ofcourse, you will have the people on the extreme end of the spectrum where they choose partners who are the best in everything. And maybe they don’t deem good character as an ideal quality in partners. But don’t be too harsh on women or men for the matter. There are people who do look for good character. Personally, I know of two girl-friends who have partners that just don’t really suit them on picture, their boyfriends are fat and they don’t look that appealing to the eyes next to them and these girls are pretty and could really do so much better. But the guys are just so friendly and down to earth. They are the sort who have such great character and personality, I can’t really imagine the girls without them.
When it comes to cheating on married husbands and wives, it depends.
Women who know their husbands cheat and still stick by them are so silly, because it does far more damage than any good for anyone. But how about the women who are oblivious, how about women who don’t care how their husbands look like and have a horrible personality, when they get cheated on, do they deserve it? I don’t think so.
If you read The Kite Runner,(I love this book by the way!) you will read about how stealing is by far the worst sin ever. Because you’re robbing someone else’s chance. Adultery/Cheating is stealing. The other woman is robbing a family of a husband/father. How could it be justifiable for a woman to commit adultery? If you want to blame someone, it would be the other woman.
But if that is the case, oh dear!, its still women isn’t it? The cause for adultery. Just not the women who get cheated but never the less, women.
I have no idea where this entry is heading, so I will leave it here for now. If its any consolation The Real Fact, not everyone look for superficial qualities in partners. Many, maybe. But not all. And a Divorce is painful. Whether it occurs to someone who deserves it, or not, its still painful.
ps: I read at this person’s website, I can’t give you the links for I can’t remember it, I was web hopping. But in this website, apparently there was a poll done on Indian women in India and they preferred White Men to men of their own race. So maybe this could be true. I am looking for this article. If I find it, I will add the links here.
pps: But ofcourse, we need one for ourselves, a poll I mean. In S’pore/Malaysia. Though I do suspect the results may be the same. It would be good to know if we deferred in opinion.
